Seeking for attention
Updated: Jul 11, 2020
When I was younger I had this real craving for attention from men, something I used to find difficult to admit, as I felt very ashamed for it. It was a deep longing within for love, attention and fulfilment. I used to get it through men by having fun, a good night out or a random chat. When I was partying in the weekends, my underlying goal was always to receive attention.
My whole life seemed to be build around this; attention, acknowledgement, being seen and being loved. This in my job, relationships and friendships, all around this was to still the inner hunger and secretly hide what was underneath. And the funny thing is that I was not aware of that back then.
It was till the point that my internal world started to change. I started to expose all underneath layers, and became truthful and honest to myself. For the first time in my life I started to expose my deepest feelings and I started to see that this was not the real thing. I saw I was moving in circles and never could reach the goal I was longing for.Underneath I was longing to be seen for who I am, loved as a person and be real to myself and my outer world. But I was constantly running around in fake-ness and hoping to find the real fulfilment. Even in relationship or with dating where I already felt this is not 'it', I was still going for it in the hope to find this 'it'. A constant search leading to nothing and I was too proud to admit that to myself.I started to realise that this was not working and I needed to change. I stripped down my layers and had to let go my old habits. From drinking too much, going out in the pubs and filling the void I started to do less of those things.
I choose to be with myself and be in what was unfolding for me. Slowly from the inside a real spark was growing, the new Linda with new beliefs, values and principles started to come out. I had to learn all of this from my teacher Master Choy who was showing me the way to real happiness and the real me with his Rainbow Tai Chi and Chi Kung. 🌞
Now I can say I have found this 'it' and I actually love it!! I love my new life, my new lifestyle and the way I am with myself.Life can be so simple, fulfilling and ok in the simplest form. Just being can be so full of richenss, while in the past I always had to 'do' and run around searching for more.Giving up trying to find something outside myself has brought me now to having exactly what I need at the ripe time. Job, love, money, friendships, it is all already in my life in the fullest form of expression.
I believe it is inside me and all around me. The more I trust and surrender, the more it gives me this feeling of fulfilment coming hand in hand with gratefulness. ❤️